Mars Retrograde in my 8th House: Separating Ink From Water

This is the first three-part series of the Jupiter, Mars and Venus Retrograde in 2018.

Mars is our drive and sexual energy, how we get things done shows the actions we take according to the sign in our natal chart, but most of all, it’s how we will our individuality. The 8th house deals with sexual and deep intimacy, other people’s money and resources, transformations and things from the past that we bury and hide, sometimes forgetting its very existence and where the hell it came from. The fierce energy retrograding my 8th house this year(June 26th 2018) meant a journey to the most intimate parts of my past relationships, the benefits it gave me, how it effected me and how I was able to let the past die in order for transformation to occur. This was especially impactful and significant since I have Venus, Uranus and Sun all in Scorpio in the 5th house of creativity and romance. To add to that, Mars went stationary retrograde conjunct my Juno in Aquarius, activating my needs for commitment and the things I desire within that bond. 

I started to feel the great warriors effects when it went into shadow early May. It was subtle, a slow unearthing of the past but it also uncovered my deep needs and true desires. Having to distinguish this became a challenge for two reasons: It’s the house of deep bonded intimacy—it was steeped in memories of old and patterns of the past, which meant I had to confront the good, the bad and the toxic. An entanglement which gets further complicated with Taurus ruling my 12th house and Venus squared my Jupiter in Leo in the 2nd house, also my 7th house ruler is Sagittarius.—making this important since Libra was at the cusp of my 5th house of identity and individuality. In other words, my own value systems and self-worth were both clouded and overblown.

Other than the fact that we dated very briefly in high school, my ex Scott and I had not started on stable grounds the second time around. In hindsight, there was so many red flags I consciously ignored. Much of it had to do with depression he’d been battling and medicating with substances. My natural reaction was to rescue him with my love(we both had Pisces, 12th house and Neptune strong in our charts), with Pluto equally as strong (4th house for me, and 1st house for him), which kept our shadows on watch the whole time, waiting for the opportunity to feed on our emotional hung ups. I thought that my love for him would cement all the holes that were there from the beginning. In fact, I believed this until the last day we were together(Scorpio Venus tends to hang around until the bitter end). But no amount of love or patience and astrological understanding could quell the shadows that grew by the years. The enchanted fantasy turned into co-dependency, addictions, lies and deception on all sorts of levels. Yet, we couldn’t help but be magnetized to each other as a relationship steep in that deep is never straight forward.

I was absolutely in love with Scott. He was like no other I had ever known. I placed him on a pedestal. Everything about him was my dream come true in a partner. This was very dangerous territory for someone with Scorpio energy, having shadows lurking in the midst. My addiction was him and my love for him. Since his Venus sat in my 8th, I instantly wanted to bond with him, I wanted to devour him—very Scorpionic desire. With his own complicated needs and emotional hung ups, he became an accomplice in my desires to have him on level of Scorpio bonding, we went down the 8th only to find that we had entered the lair we were both avoiding.

It took years to understand it was this house that turned our dynamic into a dark dance of power struggles, control, terror and pain, yet, far too mesmerizing to pull ourselves away. A beautiful, captivating and infectious dance familiar to my Scorpio energy,( one that I would not be willing to perform again). It’s like someone accepting you for all the you are in all your most ugliest and awkward moves and still love you no matter how much deathly the disease(of course this was all happening subconsciously). But what had been down there had become too overwhelming to juggle with real life responsibilities. The walls had started to crumble on us, and we had ultimately turned desperate to find a way out. When he made his exit, I was left with the mess of our 8th house destruction. 

My actions from the past were being called up for examination—and at some points it felt like judgement. I was forced to go back to that day I slashed a very significant property of Scotts. The hard fact is—one that took me a while to reconcile —I knew exactly what I was doing. Under the most duress of crises, I promised myself a long time ago, I would trust that me having to make a moment’s decision, even if it made me temporarily run frantically with emotional regret afterwards. In that instant, I knew it would be the end of us despite the deep bond that was written all over our synastry charts—the same energies responsible for always leading us back to each others arms for so many years even if catastrophe ensued. I was right. It had to be done. I had been tired of it all, of the pain and anxiety that had been poisoning the cogs of our relationship. Because I was in denial for many months after the fact, I blamed much of our demise on him and focused on his brutal and devastating way he had ended things between us. 

I was holding onto what I could.

I was plagued with confusion and went against that person who had a moment of clarity and took action. I still couldn’t grip onto the fact that we weren’t the best for each other, because in the end it meant facing me, how I was wrong about him and about our love. It was a transformation I didn’t want to take part in, as it meant letting him go along with a good chunk of my happiness. I couldn’t deal with losing everything with all the efforts made, knowing I bled dry over and over again. A process I was willing to see to the death(figuratively, of course) just to be with him, but I was sacrificing my own needs to meet his. 

When I finally stopped blaming him and took responsibility for my own hand in our demise, the only thing left was the mirrors of my relationship. Having to look at what I had been dealing with or thought I had, I was also able to see everything in a better light. It help me understand my true needs, one that spoke more authentically to my core. In a way, the mess he left me also sparked light in the darkness of my 8th house.

I was able to sift through what was truly in my heart and discard all that wasn’t, tending a healthier ground for new growth. 

I can’t say what I worked out down there didn’t also show me our depth of love. Had the strands of our relationship been all bad, we would have never stayed together for as long as we have. There were many beautiful moments, ones that will stay with me for some time. We had great affection for each other when we weren’t bruised by pettiness. He showered me with so much love I knew he too bled for our relationship. Our sexual desires and delights were fulfilled, it never really waned—he had Jupiter in his 8th and Pluto in his 1st house. He gave me a kind of security of which my Cap on the cusp of my 8th approved, and with Aquarius in Juno in my 8th house that security had to be with a zany eccentric — he had Mercury and Venus in Aquarius in his 5th. We not only shared a zest for the creative life, I knew no one with his nebulous genius thinking. His eccentric ways, the flare, style and charisma, bravery he expressed was what everyone adored about him, including and especially myself. 

With the beautiful came the ugliest parts of me. 

Mars had been working in the most shadiest crevice of my 8th, a period that would help transform me completely, as it also involved Pluto in Libra in my 4th house which natally inconjuncts my MC. According to astrologer Heather Eland, and inconjunct aspect shows where we can potentially become underhanded, manipulating. Having much Scorpio energy and unworked shadows of my 8th, this aspect was that much more amplified. The 7th house shows you what you are attracted to, the 4th shows you if it’s rooted in health, while the results of both combination appears in your 8th. I was looking for that confidence and leadership quality in myself. Being a natural at it, it was part of what had made him so compelling. Since this was working on a subconscious level, I had not honored or owned that part of myself. Simultaneously, it was what I loved about him but also what made me feel so inadequate about myself.  It didn’t help that his Venus was in my 8th. Obsession ran high, a curdled mess of deep affectations and hang ups, which eventually grew into unhealthy attachments. What I loved about him was mixed in with my own ego-desires. I was afraid to let him grow. To let him do other things without me, because I feared all  would be taken away, that I would be powerless without him. 

All these issues I could not confront as being my own demons. By wanting to fix his problems and by using his own strengths as my own I was able to avoid what was already found in my 8th house. I also needed fixing. I had to unearth all that was suppressed in that house. It grumbled in its hunger for the light, temporarliy tamed by an energy that was not my own. Being in the dark about this, created such a monster in our lives that it became bigger than the love that we were also trying to cultivate. He could not fill what I was trying to fill for myself, consequently, resenting him subconsciously. With the mix of his own demons, the silent ghostly war had ensued from the beginning. The blended chaotic mess made it that much harder to let go, even when physically we were already separated. 

I had to do it…and on my own. 

Though I came to a point where I had gain much more perspective about our dynamic, the awareness hadn’t quite remove my obsessions about him. I would continue to be plagued by hate and love whenever I thought about him.  He would haunt me in my dreams and set the moods for the days to come. At this point, my Sun and Mercury(chart ruler) was transiting my 12th house of reveries. I was imprisoned by mixed emotions for months. When I had a dream about a late aunt of mine—whose erratic, intense emotions I thought I had inherited—I realized not only did I have to forgive him, I had to forgive myself. 

Thanks to a good friend of mine I had started to make the Ho’opononpono mantra part of my daily ritual.

I am sorry. 

Please forgive me. 

I love you. 

Thank you

What was brought to my consciousness combined with daily prayer and gratitude, I was able to accept much of what had occurred and the lessons along with it. However, still I found myself brooding in the 8th house.  I could not get him out of my mind for good. The past was still determining my happiness. 

For months I had been contemplating on a month’s long trip, but I had to clarify if I was on an escapist route. I was determine not to make it about him for I knew he would surely be escorting me on that trip. A few months later, I felt confident that booking a trip with my dearest and closest friends would do me a world of good since I felt close to 100% emotional recovery and thought the rest would work itself out on the trip. It was a perfect time to relax since Mars(motivation) and Saturn (discipline)were both retro. The sense of renewal was evident. But, no amount of distance could entirely shake him off. When I got back Venus would go into shadow to prepare for her retrograde motion. Mars seemed to pass on the baton of lessons and guidance. It was time to reassess my self-worth, my values. it would be her visit to my 5th house of creativity and romance that would help me understand how I could truly be on my on my own, without the past weighing me down. 

When Mars started to go direct, I also started to trust that the impulse of my action had been from a long buildup up of pain and dissatisfaction. It created the intuitive need to separate myself from a downward spiralling relationship. Yet, without Scott and the very nature of our relationship, I would’ve also lost out on finding the darkest parts of me. The parts that I needed to give life to and own. He showed me so much about myself that I needed to cultivate, repair, nurture and bring to light. We walked down the dark tunnels, hands held together for a good part of it. Unfortunately, upon our exit, he was no longer holding my hand. We had both turned into monsters that the shadows had changed, a bond we could no longer recognized. However, upon my own exit and the growing discovery of what I had been and who I want to be, something beautiful was left behind from our connection. It had just been too dark for us to see the better parts, for there are parts that are shaded and only seen in its genuineness in the right light. A light that wouldn’t have been apparent without the deep bond we shared and painful experience that came along with it. 

Art: Josephine Wall