Venus Retrograde In Scorpio 2018: A Contaminated 5th House Full of Buried Treasures.

This is the 3rd of a three part series to the Jupiter, Venus and Mars Retrograde 2018.

When Mars went retro in my 8th house of deep intimacy, sexual needs and transformation, I was forced to confront what had long been buried and hidden in that house. He relentlessly helped uncover codependency, unhealthy obsessions and uproot my jealous tendencies, patterns unknowingly controlling parts of me. But most of all, it helped untangle me from the web of my past to consider what I needed to shed, what needed to be transformed. Once Mars finished his retrograde journey down the darkest and deepest areas of my life, I was left with the rawest parts of me and the scars that needed mending. It would be Venus going retro in Libra then in Scorpio, in my 5th house that slowly pulled the deeply thrusted spear of the past to reacquaint me to a more authentic self.

A significant transit personally, like most of the cosmic events of 2018, not only because I have Venus retro in Scorpio in my natal chart but she was going to be stationary direct on my birthday, also jolting eccentric Uranus wedged between my Sun and Venus. I welcomed the familiar energy of Venus retrograde in the house she ruled of fun and creativity, allowing her to create the invitation list, and set the vibe to help me prepare for her visit. It seemed like the same familiar guests and energy but because other cosmic configurations were involved, the indulgences didn’t taste as sweet and it was surprised by uninvited guests. In other words, it had the usual flavors of pleasure but this time there was a roast in my honor. The theme being what had long plagued me about my relationships, causing me to reassess my values, giving me an opportunity to slab on some new beliefs for a fresh solid foundation.

Between the weeks Mars went direct in Capricorn and Venus went retrograde in Libra, I had a good understanding about the power struggles and ego-related issues connected to the patterns of my past relationships. I had started to also accept the consequence of my actions. A cathartic release and transformation, I was confident and ready to receive Venus and her gifts in the 5th house of romance. She is known to leave you something in the end of her transit within the themes of that house, but because she was going retrograde, there was the work of reflection and clearing out before seeing the benefits.

I had come back from a much needed month-long trip. Being refreshed from a change of scenery, I didn’t want the withdrawals from the intoxicating magical travel dust to settle in, so I was determine to keep the high going. I was feeling good about the pleasures transiting Venus in Libra would bring despite her retrograde motion. When I got back to work, the cosmos delivered a new hire, to whom I was instantly attracted. We will call him Nick. My Mars in Sag in my 6th house (work) conjuncted his Venus in his 5th house. Me being the masculine energy, I pursued him, but not in my usual Scorpio, cautionary way.

My guards were still on vacay.

There was no reason to not trust the will of the cosmic gods or so that’s what I convinced myself—being under the veil of that travel dust, consequently allowing Mars impulsiveness to grab the reins. It didn’t take long for us to be exchanging thoughts and sensual glances over beverages. Unfortunately, it also didn’t take long to know that he was bad news for me. There were enough red flags that should have made me run, one of them being he had seemed too similar to my alcoholic ex-partner of almost 8 years. Of course, I went against all of the censoring my Scorpio lens had protected me from for so long. I was in the middle of a party, after all! Yet, that same intense energy pulled me into his sphere, eventually locking me in. I later realized that our first outing was when Venus went into shadow. My Scorpio alarm bells held my Mars desires back for as long as possible, but the chains quickly loosened when I briefly bumped into my ex. Though I felt like I was in a good place then,—believing the Universe truly had my back, since this was the first time I encountered him since our break-up almost a year to the date, I reacted and tore open pandora’s box.

It wasn’t long until my intuition had proven correct and Nick dropped the bomb that he was already involved with someone else, at that point, it was too late, I could not find the power to kick him out of my party, I had already grown an attachment to him. A surprise, since he was not like most of my guests in the past who were quite ambitious, life’s of the party and hysterically humorous—comparably he had nothing going for him. Yet, I had to trust he was on the list for a reason. The music went from upbeat to brooding when I realized his Pluto sat on top of my Sun! If this wasn’t going to activate my obsessive and controlling nature I don’t know what would have. I felt I had enjoyed his company way too much. When I was supposed to be writing, I spent days intoxicated with him. I had never drank as much as I have in my 30+ years than I had with him. As much as I felt like I was losing control over my actions and the vibe of my 5th, I felt like I needed this somehow, that there was nothing wrong with having a good time. Then Venus retrograded into Scorpio.

That’s when things got intense, Scorpio styles.  What I thought was evolved and released came around once again. I had a fit of rage on the day Mars in the 8th house was squaring my Venus retro. We had gone out with some friends and when he started to get cozy with another female, my nasty jealous side took over. Sigh. Thanks to the past work I’ve done, I knew I was acting inappropriately and insensibly, yet I couldn’t control myself.  Drama ensued between us at the place, verbal spats that caused the eventual distance between us. He was after all a Venus in Sag, and jealousy wasn’t exactly a behavior he tolerated. He made it known I had no right acting out. I felt remorseful which seemingly made his grip on me tighter. Though dancing came to a screeching halt, I continued to swill on his energy in the shadows of the corner, which in a way, became the catalyst I needed to journey with Venus to explore and excavate my 5th house issues.

Venus retrograding in Scorpio felt more painful than usual but this was her way of showing the poison that needed to be cured.

It was a struggle to convince myself that his presence was making a stink in this area of my life. But that Pluto of his was pretty potent, to say the least. When his energy took over the party, that’s when the roasting began, stirring some complex emotions from beneath. I couldn’t get him off my mind and tried with all my might to tame my obsessions, it was a struggle. Yet, I also started to deeply despise him. I concluded that had he been transparent from the jump, I would not be in this magnetic, devouring dance. My intense, fixed Scorpio patterns would often trip from the moves he lead, overwhelmed with mixed feelings of sensual attachments, revulsion, curiosity and power he had over me. He made the calls on whether he’d talk to me or not, and whether he would see me and when. Truthfully, it sparked an exciting and lustful energy, flaring of up and down dramatic scenes, but eventually it started to wear on me.

Helpless around him, I did what Scorpio’s do best, hid the angst and turmoil! But there was no more hiding from myself, the overwhelming feelings were agitated from the spittle of fire hurled from the dark shadows now roaming in my 5th. I’d constantly be questioned about my reactions, vacillating emotions and reminded about the associated insecurities. Running and distractions were not a permanent solution. It would only open up a whole new can of worms. I had to figure out what kept me running back to my own abuse. I thought relief would come from the other healthier guests, friends—Mars was now in Aquarius at this point, who was helping me restore my 8th house of intimacy with close-knit friends, 11th matters and the creative force of my 5th house.

I’m sure transiting Saturn was helping to flame the pit from my 7th house of relationship, sizzling the healing scabs from my 8th to question why he was orchestrating the mood of my 5th —a house I took deep pride in and why this felt all too familiar. I had started to wonder why I had lost my power to the uglier side of me? He had been another distraction from the internal work I truly needed to do to pacify the bubbling emotions beneath. I also realized his presence was necessary. He reflected the power struggles within. Our exhausting dance showed my simultaneous attraction and repulsion to his control over me reflected not owning my own power.

The entitlement I felt towards another persons decisions and actions invalidated the already fragile ego. That I got into these jealous rages because I was not acquainted with who I truly was and the values that made me, behaviours that would reacquaint me to the estranged parts of me I had to own. The house had become a jumbled mess of emotions, blinding me from the scum building, numbing me from the poison spreading. I neglected to take stalk of the treasures of this house, instead I relied on outside sources to fill it, crowding and masking that things that already shone bright in there. Never gaining any genuine satisfaction, I continued the same cycle, unable to tell what was good from bad, collecting the debris of the results, contaminating this area of my life.

How could I ever invite a healthy relationship in a contaminated house, decaying in all levels and corners? I didn’t realize how much debris and dust skinned these walls. I didn’t realize how it had colored the environment and future events, becoming part of my own identity. I had only attracted the level of energy of my 5th house. The state of this area in my life reminded me why I had attracted broken, self-involved and emotionally unavailable people in my life.

It was time to clear out some guest and clean up the mess we made.

For someone with Taurus in the cusp of the hidden 12th house and Venus squaring Jupiter in Leo in my 2nd house and Chiron also in Taurus in my 11th, I was not aware how much of a problem this was causing me. Taurus sensibilities and values escaped me, while Jupiter had a tendency to overwhelm my Venus with desires, something my Venus in Scorpio had hidden for so long, replacing/distracting it with other things in my 5th house(lovers) but bursting out every now and again when triggered(Uranus) in a very dramatic way (5th house).

It was back to the basics.

The brilliant light of awareness illuminated the stairs down caves of my subconsciousness. I used my experience with Nick and other past dynamics to shield me from the crumbling walls and toxins permeating the air.  My most powerful weapon however came from the shadows that lurked. I had grown to know them, unafraid of them, just got used to them, but I knew it was time to turn them to work for me and not against me. So, while I thought, it best to continue to enjoy my 5th house, I thought to go into a more private setting in that house, where all my creative tools were located. I sifted through the pile of creative interest from the past, wiping the dust and neglect of writing goals, revitalizing my 11th house dreams. I trimmed down on what truly made my heart dance and gave other parts of my body joy, invigorating my unique sense of values and self-worth. After I had found what truly electrified the senses, I had thought of those enriching company, took stalk and gave gratitude to the wonderful souls in my life, a majority of them being strong and dignified women. It was them that has helped me return to my own celebration, empowered me to take control as the true ruler of this royal abode.

When Venus was close to going direct, I felt a whole new foundation was currently being constructed.

I was scrubbing the walls with my new level of interests. Decorating my 5th house with not only the trinkets of the past and the invaluable lessons learnt, but acceptance of what has come about. Whenever I need a bit of dramatic flare I dance my way over to other parts of the place to create something beautiful and deeply fulfilling. Thanks to a renewed value system , this area has never felt so solid. My 5th house is starting to sparkle with gold, reflecting the treasures I have found deep inside.

What happened to you during Venus Retrograde 2018?

Art: Josephine Wall